|
|
Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
| |
8:41 am - Goodbye
|
I live a life hidden from the rest of the world. It’s not something so interesting or amazing as me being a spy or a superhero. It’s a sad and laughable existence of a man who is mediocre and average, but who once believed he was special. I guess in some ways it is hard to accept normalcy. Everyone wants to be extraordinary for the most part. When you are a child, you tend not to sit around and fantasize about growing up to be middle management.
I guess it just takes some people longer to understand the truth then others. You are not special, you are just a man.
I have an overwhelming desire to share myself with the world. To open my chest bare and let people see who I really am. I want to just be myself. All my frailties and thoughts on display for anyone to see.
Instead I am forced to hide myself. I feel like I live this constant game of deception. Not allowing anyone to get close to me because every time I do it’s like they chop away a piece of my soul. I feel like a roll of tape in a way. It’s almost as if I’m at the last little strip clinging to a cardboard tube. Yeah it’s still technically a roll of tape, but its useless, and if someone comes along and pries apart that last little strip, they’ll find out that it just looked like tape. Like I just look like a man.
Every time I try and open myself up to people it never goes well. They get a look in their eyes I can’t explain. It makes me feel even more alien and detached from the world. When I was a child I would lose myself in fantasy. My family will tell you I was creative or special, but in a way all those little stories just remind me of detached from the world I am.
Alien thoughts an beliefs cloud my mind, and it seems that when I share them, when I tell the people around me how I really feel or think, it sends some message in the backs of their minds that I am something unnatural.
I have never in my entire life been able to open up fully to anyone. Never been able to share the small secrets that drift through my mind. I think a lot of people take for granted the ability to share with others. Maybe I’m just insane, it seems to run in my family.
I am on this constant precipice, which I know is so amazingly cliché and overuse that I should have come up with a better metaphor, but it’s one that fits. Except the black void I’m standing on is inside my mind.
I’m tired of hiding though. I’m tired of having to wear a false face to a world of people who ultimately will never know me while I am alive and won’t care after I am dead.
I walk through my days a hurt and broken man. I am not strong or confident. When I look into the mirror I see someone I wish I could punch in the face for being too weak, too emotional, too self centered, and too unable to make a difference in the world.
As far as I can remember I have wanted to make the world a better place, but instead of pursuing that I let the world beat me into submission.
I hate crowds. Not because of the reasons you may think, or for reasons that most people do. In crowds people become nameless and faceless. You would never know it to look at me but I think of ways to kill people constantly. I want to murder someone. I want to end their life for no reason other then they are alive. The only thing that stops me from doing it is the fact I can put a name and a face on people. I constantly invent these little scenarios of who people are so I don’t just stab them in the throat. I am terrified of the violence within myself. I pretend to feel remorse when I hurt people but in honesty it makes me happy inside. It brings a peace and a comfort that I despise so much that I have let people punch me in the face, and treat me like shit rather then to succumb to it. I feel like if I ever stop living in my head around people I will kill them all.
Despite what people think I did not have a happy childhood. It wasn’t just the fact that my father beat me or my mother abandoned me later. I was made to feel worthless. Constantly told by everyone around me I was not good enough, or smart enough, or right. I feel like the people around me declared war upon the child I was. A war I lost. A war that put me in Special Education, got me into more fights then I can imagine, and left me friendless and alone. A war where the casualties were my ability to trust people, or to connect emotionally.
If I have told you that you were my friend over the years or that I love you. I was probably lying. I do that a lot. I lie about almost everything. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t tell the difference between my lies and the truth anymore. I don’t lie to deceive people really. I lie so that I can be honest. I know that sounds stupid but if you hide your truths in a blanket of lies, no one think’s your crazy when you say you can see the future. I have no idea what it means to be a friend. I just tend to fake it really well.
I’m going to go on to list the things I regret in life. The things I wish I could change. I wish I was a better brother. I know my siblings love me, but in the end I was never as good as I could have been. I think I’m too selfish to care about anyone else but myself. I wish I was a friend to people. You should know who you are. There have been very few people I have actually loved, and I’m just sorry I wasn’t better at it. I wish I was stronger.
Jason, I’m sorry about when we were younger. I never should have promised you something I couldn’t give you. I’m sorry for all the times I hit you or did shitty things to you because I just wanted to hurt you. I love you so much and there’s just something inside of me that wants to destroy everything I love. You have always been the most important person to me in the world. The only person I’ve ever felt really just accepts me no matter what. Thank you.
Sarah, I love you and in a lot of ways you feel like my daughter. I love you strength , and your unshakable confidence. Make something of yourself. There is no reason for you not to achieve something with your life. Our talks were something really special to me, something that brought a little happiness into my life.
Sherifa, Stop trying to find the trick to make you great. You already are. It’s not about addictions and lame vampire stories. It’s about continuing to go in the direction you are headed. You’re more talented then I was at your age. Work hard and become immortal like you want. I love you.
Mustapha , don’t be so goofy. I say that because I love you and I want you to know that if you stay focused you can become a great man if you want to. I hope you know all the teasing I ever did of you, and all the hard words I have spoken, are because unfortunately in this world, if you are soft you are eaten alive. I didn’t want that to happen to you.
Sammy, You’re like my little brother. I love you just as much as I do the rest of them. Our talks and the ideas I have shared with you I really hope stick. I hope that in some way they can help you on your path through life. Thanks for never thinking I was crazy.
Mom, Dad,…. I love you. I forgive you. None of what I am is your fault. Thank you for at least giving me a shot to be something , and I’m sorry I was always such a disappointment to you both.
Grand mommy, I love you. Thank you for everything you ever did.
Lynn, I should have given you the love you deserve. Just know I tried my best to. I just didn’t know how.
Juan, and Alex… my whole life I have only had 2 friends that were there for me no matter what. Whatever I did, or how ever much distance was between us. Thank you guys.
To the rest of my family I love you all very much. I’m sorry I never was able to make the effort to keep in touch. As well as I should have.
To everyone else whose lives have come in contact with mine I’m sorry that you don’t all get your own special little snippet. Know that one thing I never lied about is how much joy you have brought me. If I bother to talk to you or keep you around it’s because you are special in some way, and I want to let you know it’s meant a lot to me.
Please, try and keep my story ideas alive. It’s really the only legacy I have. I know I never shared them well enough or kept good enough notes on them, but hopefully someone else can make them work like I wasn’t able to.
There is so much more in my mind that I can’t even think to say. My thoughts are just such a jumbled mess lately. For whoever finds me I am sorry. For everyone else that is going to hurt from this I am sorry too. I just can’t find the will to live anymore. I can’t keep doing this constant string of failure alive. I just gave up. It hurts too much and I feel like I’m a walking corpse already. I really am sorry everyone. I wish I could have been better.
-Steven
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 13th, 2008
| |
11:48 pm - Something that bothers me....
|
OK so over and over again i keep hearing the same thing from agreat deal of people, that really cross the spectrum of american citizens, concerning "American Values"
Now I'm not really talking about the values that we are told are American but really a couple of the core beliefs that founded this nation. One of them being hard work, and the other being family values.
When i say hard work I'm not talking about the slave away till you die to free yourself from sin beliefs of the first puritans but really the belief that a person should be able to live a comfortable life free from abuse as long as they are willing to work to achieve it.
Things like taxation without representation, indentured servitude, slavery, debtors prisons are all things that existed at one time in our country and we as a people realized that true freedom means that all people must be free of these things. Alot of people see it as purely altruistic that we should all agree with this but it's a simple and basic concept that if all men and women do not have the same rights then really none of us have those rights. As long as you can say everyone is entitled to human rights except "goup b", then it wont be long untill someone can find more and more people to lump into "groub b" to exploit them.
Whether you are Religious or not Freedom is something you should support because it allows us to exist as individuals.
So how does Freedom tie into things like your job, or your family? It is because without it you would really have neither. There was a time when you didn't choose what you would do for a living. There was also a time when other human beings had the right to abuse and break up your families because of some whim they might have. I for one never want to go back to those days.
Lately have been talking to people about things like Government regulation, and Taxes, Gov programs, and welfare. There is a pretty broad spectrum of people who feel that Government "handouts" are somehow wrong. That if you want to succeed in life you should just work harder. Yet those same people are the ones who i see having to choose paying rent or going to the doctor. That is a choice i believe should never have to be made by someone living in the richest country in the world.
We as people like to live in the past. All of us really, I mean who hasn't sat around and pined away for the old days, but the old days are a lie. When you think about how great things used to be you tend to forget about all the bad things that went along with it.
I had a friend who recently talked to e about NYC and how much fun it was when we were younger. It was exciting and foreign and dangerous. He talked about how it had become so homogenized now and lost a lot of what made it that city from our youth.
I had to remind him about the time we almost got killed by a group of adults for 10 bucks outside the subway station. About the prostitutes and drug addicts, about how you couldnt trust anyone and had to move around with so much tension all the time you couldn't sleep at night and it seemed that everyone waled around the city with constant bags under their eyes and suspiscious feelings and anger on their faces.
It's the same way with work. When companies are allowed to make huge profits they dont pass those profits on to their workforce. I've worked in Management and have been asked to outright lie about how a person incurred their injuries so they wouldn't get workman's comp. Workman's Comp isnt a handout just like all other gov priograms arent. These programs are put in place not so lazy peices of crap can lie aroundand do nothing all day. They are put in place so that people who work can actually feed their families and raise their children. The claim that you worked 2, 3, or 4 jobs to support your kids is a testament to your desire to make sure they have a good life, but it is also a testemant to how the upper teers of society live off of your blood and sweat. When your son or daughter grows up and says "yeah I love my dad/mom... but i never really got to know them cus they had to work all the time". Thats not something you should blame yourself for, it's something you should blame the people exploiting your labor and not even giving you a living wage that afforded you time with your family.
By stealing your time, they are stealing your freedom. They are trying to make the poor a new slave class because belive it or not the very wealthy would love to have slavery once again legal. No one should be forced to work over 40 hours just to get by.
People need help sometimes, and we need to stop looking at it as the "Government's Money" and start looking at it as OUR money. We pay taxes, so that money comes from our labor and our time. I tell you now that I for one would rather spend my money on feeding a lazy ass with mental problems and keeping him someplace he can get help, then dropping bombs on a country I don't really give a shit about.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 8th, 2008
| |
10:07 pm - wow
|
|
yeah its been forever but i should start posting here again. i misses mah LJ.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 29th, 2006
| |
2:27 am
|
ok so everything is good in life once again. ok maybe not good but deifnately better then bummersville from my last post... sometimes life is just too much to handle but then you suck it the fuck up and move along lil doggie!
i had to explain to someone today what puppy play was... they wouldn't stop laughing and i realized trying to explain something as seriously as possible just makes its funnier if the other person thinks its funny in the first place.
they asked like why would people do that and i said i think its the whole trust and security and caring thing. i have to say i'm amazingly intrigued as to why people do these type of roleplay things.
so if anyone likes any kind of Role-Play or knows someone who does or even has an opinion about it I would love to chat em up and see what they find in it thats so appealing to them. i just really like to know what makes people tick and it would go a long way to helping me figure it out.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 22nd, 2006
| |
12:53 am - inside my head it makes sense
|
i'm tired...
not just tired of body but the kind of tired that goes deep into your soul and makes deciding what shirt you want to wear a life and death decision. which wouldnt be so bad maybe if i didnt feel completely and utterly alone at the same time. to understand this i guess youd have to know that since birth ive felt out of step with the rest of humanity. i try to find jsutifications for these feelings in weird undiagnosed emotional disorders or something cus i guess the thought of something thats beyond your control is somehow comforting.
things you need to know about me to understand why i think like i do or get a glimpse inside my head or some shit, i don't even fucking know really. my mother told me once she was worried i'd wind up being a serial killer, and while that sounds fucked up and well kinda is i can't say its not a thought thats run through my head before. i don't relate to people. i mean i do on superficial levels but i really feel thats just cus im not stupid and a good mimic. i fake it well is what im trying to say. like i dont feel people and i dont even know how to explain that better.
maybe its because i spent so much time as a baby not being able to be touched or comforted or whatever but i just dont get people and i dont fit in anywhere and a person can only handle so much of that before it breaks them.
alienation is hard and being alone is no way for a person to live and i guess im just trying to say that i have no idea how much more i can take.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 24th, 2006
| |
1:36 am
|
|
| Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
| |
4:34 pm - im an updating whore today
|
i guess you could say it started with feet. i was in nashville on the first leg of some kinda spiritual journey that ended somewhere between jail and nj. well anyway i wound up in nashville cus a friend of a friend invited the 2 of us down because thats where she lived and she thought wed really vibe on the music scene down there, and she had loads of cash and nothing to spend it on but the occasional (or maybe not so occasional) dose of heroin so she offered to put us up in her big old house for as long as we wanted to stay. i dont know i think it was about 22 hours on a greyhound bus or so, but we finally got down there. she met us at the bus station and gave us the bad news, we werent gonna be able to stay at her house....seems that someone had some kinda problem and so we got the shaft., but then she told us how bad she felt , that she knew a cheap hotel we could stay at, and she was really sorry. well we happen to be really easy going, so it didnt matter much, figured it was the way it was supposed to be, and just had to dip into tha petty cash fund. well we get to this place and theres a big sign outside on the marquee that says
"the drake inn"......"where the stars stay".
now normally that wouldnt be a funny sign but if you saw the place youd know why we both all started laughing hysterically. its a hole. some kinda crappy motel off the interstate but hey were not picky so as long as it has a bed we dont really give a crap. when we go to check in, nashville asks us how long we plan on staying. to which she gets shrugs and mumbles and she then relays into well theyre not sure. and the desk clerk relays into ok well just let me know then ..rattles off some prices and gives us our key to our room.. its about then it hits us were in another world entirely.....southern folks are very trusting...and we both feel all warm inside that people still do that kinda stuff. so we go back to the room and start getting settled in when nashville says shell be right back.. about 10 mins later shes back and carrying a big brown bag, ooooh presents, were happy. and when she pulls about 7 bottles of liquor out of the bag and says "well i didnt know what u guys like so i figured id just get a bunch of stuff " were even happier. then she says "well i didnt know how long u guys wanted to stay so i got u a week and then u can figure out what u wanna do after that." and then proceeds to apologize about how she feels real bad we have to stay in a hotel when she said we could stay with her. when we ask how much we owe her she looks at us like were aliens and says how shes paying and if we have any objections shes going to be very upset. so we say thanks and open up the liquor and get blasted. fun was had by all.
somewhere about the forth day we weve very settled in....wed made friends with both the very cordial hooker and hand shaking pimps down the road. we passed them every day when we went to get food and after the first day of seeing we werent interested they didnt do the normal hooker thing and forget you existed ..they just started acting all neighborly and such more like they were donna reed then sally the prostitute. it was a good day, bright and sunny about 60 degrees and 2 days before christmas. as usual nashville had left one of her care packages in front of the door on her way to work, they consisted of a bottle of wine, peanutbutter and jelly, bread, some kinda alcohol, milk, and lil note wishing us a lovely day or some other such nicety. our room was full of empty liquor bottles and unopened jars of peanutbutter and jelly. we started giving the bread and milk to the hookers about the 3rd day so it wouldnt go bad. we had just gotten back from burger king where we had picked up dinner and got offered asst managerial jobs for 14 an hr to start out of nowhere to find nashville sitting on her truck waiting for us. we said our hi's and went inside. we all sat down where we always sat and poured our drinks and started having the good talk, me on my bed friend on his an nashville on some really comfy chair with her feet propped up on my bed. we were all talking and laughing and nashvilles toes kept brushing very very lightly against mine.....at first it was a total accident, but for some reason it started turning me on something awful, apparently she liked it too cus after a few casual brushings it became alot more intended. playing footsie while discussing the meanings of the universe, philosophical thought, and the repercussions of committing yourself to the pains of being an artist was definitely a new experience for me. but it made me realize that yes you can still actually thing with a hard-on. before i knew it my foot had moved up her leg and nestled right in her warmth. her squirming on top of my foot and moaning, but me and friend still continuing with the topic of conversation, ignoring the fact that yes i was doing sexual type stuff at the moment. after a few minutes the moanings got louder and i was still ignoring them for the most part when she just kinda jumped on top of me and very loudly said
"oh god you need to fuck me now!!!"
i was surprised...in that very good kind of way. se started peeling each others clothes off and friend just got up and moved himself over to the desk and started playing with the computer so he wouldnt have to watch. it was incredible, this woman wanting me so bad that every bit of passion she had inside of her just came pouring out. as we stripped each others clothes of we would kiss anything that became exposed. switching between body and lips its was wild, passionate, any of those other adjectives people use to describe the way sex should normally be. now normally when im with a woman i pace myself make sure its great stuff but no one gets burnt out before anyone wants it to be over, but when im with someone thats letting go....thats not thinking at all and just letting everything they have pour out i get this superhuman stamina........and everything just kind of becomes one big swirling mass of skin and feeling. this was definitely one of those times....some time after about the 5th time i came she went limp. that was my cue we were done for the night. and soon after my body and brain started communicating to each other and realizing they were both very very tired. so i collapsed onto the bed.....holding, breathing heavy, and feeling like id just run a marathon, with the sun starting to peek through the shades. lots of grunts and moans the kind that say "damn that was some good stuff" and then finally a word..."wow" i love hearing that word after sex, i wont lie, its cus on some level i need the validation, and that one word says "yes mr you are a man". but then she said "god you are as good as heroin,"........."you know if you moved here i wouldnt ever need to do it again". i was stunned at that very ultra surreal compliment. i hadnt expected it and its not one of those things you ever think your gonna hear. and while i personally have never tried the stuff i know how hard-core it is and that made me feel awesome inside, ultimate sexual validation in some way that my sex was akin to "the" drug....mr h...king of kings. i floated on that one for a while after. we had sex a few more times after that me and nashville. then i left to continue the quest and i never did hear from her again, but till this day its still the best aftersex compliment ive ever gotten.
"nashville and heroin"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
4:31 pm
|
It was the middle of summer just a few weeks after my 19th birthday when Elizabeth a girl I had been fooling around with behind her boyfriends back asked me if id like to go to the movies. She said her friend mary was over and that if I could find a friend for her and we could all go see a flick shed be very grateful. I was hoping that was code for I would get sex…. You see I was still a virgin…. Up until a week before I had been very, very Christian…. Well a lot less Christian then before but I still held to the whole no marriage, no sex thing. Then for some reason It was like I just woke up…. I had this grand epiphany … it was like god himself came down and whispered in my ear “ no sex before marriage is a complete load of crap…. Go get laid m’boy”. So lately it had become my mission to make up for lost time…. I just had had the chance yet. So I invited my friend alex along and we all went to the movies. I don’t remember what movie it was at all I was too busy kissing and groping Elisabeth to notice or care. About 10 minutes after the lights went off our pants were open and our fingers were exploring each other as we kissed. We were so excited that I had slid up her shirt and began sucking her nipples. My fingers moving inside her faster and faster I slid her pants and panties off so I could get better access… there were only 2 other couples inside the theatre besides us and our friends so I really didn’t care… she was moaning and writhing her hand stroking me. The feeling of pure lust watching as her almost fully naked body moved under my touch… she started to cum just as I exploded onto her thigh… we didn’t bother to cover up just kept kissing and touching like that until the movie was over…. I was a very happy boy. After we left the theatre alex had to leave for work so I told the girls Id walk them home…. Being all gentlemanly sometimes. As we headed toward mary's house I asked her if she had had fun on the date. “well not as much fun as you 2 that’s for sure.” She said with a look of disappointment on her face.
“ what's the matter mary jealous?”
“hells yeah, your friend alex was nice an all but I mean he didn’t even try and grope a boob or anything.”
“im sorry, but none of my friends are as cool as me”
“yeah so am I”
after that we just continued on our way … chatting a bit until we got to mary’s house. I was about to say my goodbyes and be on my way when mary said, “you know its ok he can come up no ones home,” Elizabeth said an “oh cool” and we all went upstairs. at first we all just sat on mary’s bed watching tv. I was going to be good cus this was my first time in mary’s house and I didn’t want to overstep my bounds or anything, but eventually I couldn’t help it… Elizabeth and I started to go at it… nothing too bad just a lot of kissing and touching with breaks in between. During one of the breaks Elizabeth went to go get something to drink and noticed we were out. She just put her shoes on and said shed be right back she was going to the store. After a few minutes I noticed mary who had been sitting on the edge of the bed the whole time looked not so happy. Figuring it was because we were doing stuff on her bed I asked “hey you what’s the matter?”, she just said “nothing” in that something’s wrong but I don’t really want to talk about it kind of way. So I told her to tell me what was the matter… so reluctantly she did. She leaned in close her arms resting folded on my chest, her chin resting on her hands.
“I don’t know,” she said “ you ever just really want to do something and you don’t know whether you should or not?”
“yeah all the time why?” I answered
“well its just that I really, really wanna do something and I don’t know if I should.”
Something told me it was guy related and so I said, “what’s the matter? guy problems?”
“yeah, I really like this guy and I wanna kiss him but I don’t know if I should or not cus im not sure if he likes me in that way”
“well why don’t you just tell him then?”
“I don’t know do you think I should?” she said as she tilted her head to look at me better.
I told her yeah… that she should go for it because you only live once and if you want something badly enough you should go for it, because it was better to try and not get what you want then always wonder for the rest of your life what could have been. Just as I finished my sentence she looked me in the eyes and leaned in and kissed me. I was in shock, I had no idea the guy she had been talking about was me, but while I was surprised I didn’t hesitate in returning her kiss. Her lips were soft and full and smooth. Something immediately ignited between us and we instantly became lost in passion. Rolling on the bed our hands moving everywhere I became lost in her lips and I wanted more. I peeled her clothes off of her and roamed my hands all over her naked flesh. For a moment she pulled away her mouth and let out a gasp
“oh my god…. Take my shirt off….”
Confused I replied, “it already is”
She looked down and was shocked “oh my god im naked!” she exclaimed
“Yeah you are,” I said with a slight amusement to my voice
a ‘damn you’re good’ was all she could let out before we went back to kissing and her hands removed my shorts and t-shirt. She had beautiful young firm breasts not overly large with perfect light brown nipples. Feeling them press against my now exposed chest sent tingles through me and I moved my hand down to touch them. Tracing my fingertips over her nipple and hefting it in my palm. Feeling its softness and weight I rubbed the flat of my palm in circles around her hard erect nipple. Alternating between my palm and squeezing it with my fingers, letting it roll between thumb and forefinger, my hardened sex brushing against her wet heat. my hand began to move down her body and over the flat of her belly. I moved it down further, over hip and thigh, sliding it down to her knee and then slowly letting it find its way back up her inner thigh. My mouth moving down now, down over her neck, kissing, biting, licking… her squirming becoming more pronounced as my fingers crept closer to her mound. As my hand reached the crook of her inner thigh I let my finger brush her pussy and I could feel how incredibly wet she was. Mary spread her legs wider as an invitation for my hand to begin playing with her but I took the tips of my fingers and slowly ran them up and down the outsides of her lips. She moaned in anticipation and raised her hips up trying to get my fingers inside her, but I continued to tease. I took my finger and slid it just between her lips and up to her clit; I began to make small circles around it as my mouth moved down to her breast. My tongue encircling her nipple and my finger rubbed at her clit. She squirmed and wriggled under me, moaning and gasping until finally I bit into her nipple and slid my finger into her hot wet sex. She let out a large moan and I continued to slide it in and out of her and to suck and lick at her nipple she pulled my hair and squeezed me into her.
“oh fuck yeah…. Oh …. Oh god…” was all she could get out her hips bucking wildly as I slid my finger in and out… letting my palm rub against her clit. I wanted to taste her then and so I slid my mouth down her belly and between her thighs. My mouth licking up her juices as my finger still explored inside her. My tongue snaking its way around her upper folds, found her hard swollen clit waiting for it. Her juices flowing over my hand I put my mouth to her… licking and sucking at her as her juices flowed down the crack of her ass. She tasted amazing and the slight musky sweetness was making me harder then id ever been. I wanted to be inside her…to feel her wrapped around my shaft. Almost as if reading my mind she lifted my head and breathlessly said to me
“get up…. I need you to fuck me right now…. “
I raised myself up and slid my cock inside her. It was warm and wet and everything I ever imagined, but just then something clicked inside me….
“whoa wait a sec… do you have a condom?”
“fuck! No, do you?”
I looked her in the eye as I slid myself out, and she let out a slight sigh of disappointment. “well that sucks” she said her hands still running across my skin. “ it's ok …. It might not be perfect but it’ll be damn good” I said to her as I began to slide myself against the outside of her pussy. She moaned and closed her eyes letting me know how good it felt. I thrust my hips as if fucking her and she ground herself against me. My cock between her soft wet lips it felt as though I were almost inside her. After a few minutes like that she flipped me on my back and straddled me, grinding against me harder and faster. supporting herself with one hand while the other rubbed and grabbed at her breasts kneading them, my hands on her hips guiding her as she bucked wildly on top of me.
Just then the door opened. Elizabeth was back and staring right at the two of us. I had forgotten all about her and I expected to be in a lot of trouble. She goes out to the store and her friend and I get naked and almost fuck isn’t something that gets a girl in the mood for a party. I was shocked when she just walked in and sat down on a chair and started watching tv. Well if she wasn’t going to say anything I wasn’t going to stop so I kept going and im pretty sure mary didn’t even notice, and if she did im sure she didn’t care because she didn’t loose one thrust of the hips at all.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
4:27 pm - writings....
|
im in a cofee house
in some kind of college town
i guess
and i just had a peice of dissapointing pie
not metephorical pie....
a real piece of some kinda apple custard
thing
i really didnt enjoy
as much as id hoped i would
but i do have my tea
its mintily flavored
unhealthy urine colored
and its good....
it happens to be in a really big fuckin beer mug
(which really isnt as much fun
to drink out of as it sounds)
i drink......
while all around me
plastic writers groups,
and plastic people.....
talk of plastic things,
in this big ol plastic coffee place
but i feel real
and being here
makes me feel even more real
then i have in a long while
and im with a real gurl....
who likes my real kisses
and im finally starting to realise
that yes
i do know real happy
i always have,....
me
"that night in the cafe"
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, February 26th, 2006
| |
2:29 pm - why would you buy that anyway??
|
ok so the local dollar stores by me have a product i cant for the life of me understand why you would buy in a dollar store....
home pregnancy test
why in gods name buy that for a buck i dunno.... but theres alot i dunno...like why people like being such a pain in my ass. im realizing now i am very misunderstood. and i think its because i suck at explaining myself. one other thing i dont understand is why my gf loves starting petty bullshit fights with me... and then wonders why i dont wanna have sex. i dunno maybe im weird but when im agrivated and stressed out i just wanna get the fuck away from my source of annoyance not stick my dick in it. i think its heading towards overness if things dont change soon. i feel that she looks down on me and my abilities...like im the same kinda guy shes dated before .... a fuckin idiot.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: demolition man gunfire
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, January 28th, 2006
| |
3:41 pm - more of MEEEE!
|
ok so heres some more shit....
its something i wrote for a friend for an audition she had
( alinas mono )
current mood: chillin
current music: bobby darin
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
| |
10:19 pm - meeee!
|
so im gonna start posting some of my writing type stuff on here to get me some feedback i guess ....
this girl is online and typing me
about how her ex boyfriend just raped her
and all i want to tell her
is to shut the hell up
and leave me the fuck alone
shes getting on my nerves and
i know the world
says im supposed to feel sorry for her but i dont
i just dont care
and no matter what i say to her she just doesnt get the hint
something inside me
tells me
she deserves what she gets in life
because thats what she really wants
to be miserable
have people pitty her
its the only way she knows shes alive
just one more online pain in the ass
trying to make the world feel sorry for her
but really who am i to talk
i sit alone in a room and pour my heart out to complete stranges with words that i try and make into poetry or stories or whatever the hell it is i write
im just as bad as she is
i think thats what bothers me the most
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
| |
12:24 am - wheeeee
|
so its been forever and a day but my comp blew up so hey thats what happens sometimes. lets see whats going on in the brain right now... aggrivation is probally the biggest thing cus well as everyone knows relationships suck hahah but the good stuff in em makes up for it so hey a lil aggrivation now and then isnt really that big a deal. well im going on the dole a bit so i can take some classes and stop going from suck job to suck job and maybe finally make something outta my talents instead of just coasting by and doing nothing really.
i need to wite more... have loads of ideas in the brain but havent been outletting them at all lately. my mother said something to me yesterday while we were out grabbing some grub that just kinda kicked open a lil door of realization in my head. you see she had a stroke a while back and it almost killed her so shes been on disability since then and shes wants to do some kind of cooking related business even though the stress might kill her, she wants this cus she says no matter how good of a cook she knows she is getting that recognition and that look on someones face when they really appreciate something youve made lets her know shes worth something.... and i guess thats how i feel with my art... i just dont think anyone around me really understands every aspect of me [and i mean really how can anyone know everything about anyone else] and theres actually alot i keep hidden from the world but when i create and its beautiful somehow that makes me more then just some guy. its some wierd acknowledgement that im alive and some part of me will go on beyond myself, like some weird way of cheating death or something. i dunno i guess immortality is just cool and it makes you feel good.
till next i write! eat lots of jelly...cus jelly is good.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 17th, 2005
| |
10:03 pm - all idea no support...
|
so pretty much the way it is in my life is i have tons of ideas, like i mean really good ones but because of either the fact im broke as hell or i just dont have any supportin said idea.... just kinda sucksin not a depressing kinda way but a frustrating one sides that lifes pretty groovy if not a lil dull .... i wanna make a pinup girl website!! hahah... anyway once summin interesting happens ill be back to talk about it
current mood:  okay
current music: mythbusters theme
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, April 22nd, 2005
| |
12:01 am
|
oh and does anyone else find it hilarious that the pope is an ex nazi?
current mood: beat
current music: hank williams
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, April 21st, 2005
| |
11:56 pm - grrrrrr rowrrrr
|
ok so im fessing up to a secret of mine.... if you are female and in any way hotchie motchie i wanna fuck you... like for serious i can barely keep myself from grabbing you bending you over and spreading you so i can slide myself inside you...
now this leads to 2 problems.... one is that its hard for me to have female friends... the other is its hard for me to have a girlfriend.... but i figured id just throw this out there
im really lucky i have so much self control
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 13th, 2005
| |
1:31 am - wow...
|
ok so normally i dont give a drop of credence to that big industry circle jerk knows as the academy awards but i have to say this yeah they got it right. i just saw "million dollar baby" today... and wow. it was fucking amazing... like honestly i havent seen a movie this good in a while. the emotional investment you put into this movie literally leaves you drained. on the surface its a story about a white trash chick with no life or future clinging to a hopeless dream and the mentor she finds in an old reluctant trainer. but god it has so many fucking levels it works off of its amazing. yknow im man enough to admit i cry in movies every now and then cus frankly im a sap but whatever. here though my heart broke. like i was crushed in the watching of this movie and i loved it. odly enough its the kind of movie that reminds you that youre alive. whatever you do go see this movie.... you might be depressed for a lil while but youll love every minute of it. andnow usually when you go see a sad movie its sad and a downer and all that but here even in emeotionally charged scenes when youre about to cry you wind up laughing... just captures that real humor and joy of life and reality of what its like to live. when it was over there was complete silence like noone said anything or made the slightest noise .. and as we shuffled out of the theatre no one said anything to anyone else just sigs and awkward glances. i havent had that happen in a long time. thats the kind of art i hope one day i can create.... the kind that changes lives.
current mood: elevated
current music: none
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
| |
5:01 am - ten things i have done that you probally haven't
|
i stole this from somewhere but i cant remeber where...
1. traveled cross country for 6 months on 600 dollars for no specific reason
2. had debbie harry from blondie fame tell me i have the most perfect cutest ears on the planet and then proceed to tell the rest of the club
3. stayed awake for 3 days doing coke weed and alcohol the highness trifecta
4. had a number one selling hit song written about me
5. made a famous recording artist jealous enough to write said song
6. threw up a half gallon of blood
7. got into a fistfight for appologising
8. died
9. had a sex session that lasted 23 hours
10. got my work put in a museum
current mood: insomniacal
current music: the postal service
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, March 11th, 2005
| |
6:52 pm - grrrr
|
ok so i think im single again which yeah well im not even gonna get into but being singles alot easier then being not single.... i need to create more its an itch im feeling and i need to scratch it and just do my art thing like ive been putting off for the longest. its just about fuckin time i get off my ass and get productive.
current mood: frustrated
current music: the pogues
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:09 am - cus im lame and i cant sleep....
|
its a quiz!!
x marks the spot...
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) taken a shower with a member of the opposite sex
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) made out in an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) kicked a guy where it hurts
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
() been skydiving
(x) ran over an animal and killed it
() broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) given someone a bruise
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
(x) had oral surgery
(x) seen a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
() drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed into a friend's car
() been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x)had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) stole something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
() celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to Europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
() been married
() gotten divorced
() had children
(x) seen someone die
() been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a concert
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(x) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself
() been in an abusive relationship
(x) lost a child
(x) gone to college
() graduated college
(x) done hard drugs
(x) had oral sex
(x) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
i need to start adventuring soon, its been a while
current mood:  bored
current music: soul coughing
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
blackchz23's journal